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Showing posts from August, 2017

Drink and Razor Scooter

For those of you who have ever hung out with me for longer than 10 minutes at a social event, you know I drink.  A lot.  Like if i ever show up at your house without my cooler and 6pts you better hide your beer.  Yah, I’m that kind of gurl and as luck would have it, I’ve found a new stupid kid fetish.  Drinking and razor scootering. Me and one of my buddies hang out just about every Saturday for drinking, shooting pool, and basic good times for all. I tend to get a little overly tipsy and don’t like to quit drinking when I’m on a roll so his kid has talked me into razor scootering with him to “sober up”.  Now, I want you to imagine the smallest razor scooter you’ve ever seen and a 200 lb drunk woman roaring down the roadways.  Funny, right?  You can just forecast the results.  There you go, you got it. 200 lb drunk woman is at some point lying on the ground detached from the razor scooter.  Nice.   One of my last times out, I en...

4th grade???

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So we started 4th grade yesterday.  The kid is gonna be in middle school in 2 years.  I can’t deal.   The new teacher is awesome.  She’s got a pink strand in her long blonde hair and is uber energetic. She also didn’t give us the oh-my-gawd he’s got 2 gay moms and 2 gay dads smile.  Go Ms. So and So.  The room is full of stuffed monkeys and when I say monkeys, I mean like the zoo couldn’t keep this many monkeys.  She actually has a bathtub in there with a huge gorilla in it and a green loveseat that I would die for.  She must be a fan of green and pink and those are like two of my favorite colors together so another score. Totally out of the box.  I love it and got good vibes already.  4th grade is gonna be the shiz.   The kid wants hermit crabs.  It was supposed to be a turtle at first and turtles are a apparently a pain in the ass to take care of so I’m totally down for the flakiness. A friend gave us an aquarium for...

What Defines Me...

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I got curious about what the definition of slaughter cow might be.  I thought maybe there would be something in the definition that said it was ok to slaughter cows.  So the first definition that came up was about pasture cows and how they’re defined as grazing cows and this and that which didn’t mean shit to me so I kept looking.  Then there it was at the bottom of the google search. The definition of slaughter.   slaughter         n   1     the killing of animals, esp. for food   2     the savage killing of a person   3     the indiscriminate or brutal killing of large numbers of people, as in war; massacre   4     Informal     a resounding defeat           vb     tr   5     to kill (animals), esp. for food   6     to kill in a brutal manner ...

Hell if I Know

I had a dream last nite. Of course it was a dream so it went all over the place.  Started with me still being in college and working for some admin guy who turned out to be the deputy district attorney who paid me with good grades and meat.  All over the place, see?  Anyway, the meat part is the jist of the story.  He paid me in raw meat.  It had everything from sirloin to roast to yes, ribeyes, laying out on this plastic that looked like cling-wrap.  Point is, in the dream at least, I was ok with the raw meat.  It actually looked kinda of yummy.  So there’s a plus.  Thanks dream.   So we haven’t talked about Jeeps yet.  Suffice to say the phrase Jeep is life and life is good are truths.  Went out wheelin with some of my new Jeep friends and their kiddos today for the first time.  The youngest kid is addicted already and told me he now wanted to spend the nite with me which he had said before he didn’t want to do. ...

Stupid Kids

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The kid got up in my newsed recliner last nite and wanted me to read the blog to him.  The kid is the youngest cuz the oldest is over 6 foot now and would swallow me.  So I’m reading the blog to him and he tells me that I need to write about all my crazy stories.  I ask him which ones he is talking about because that’s most of my life and he says when you used to be so stupid and surfed on top of cars. So here is Tonya Spencer circa 1980’s.   I grew up in Cement, OK.  A small speck of land in the heart of the oil fields of Oklahoma.  When I was a teenager in the 80’s, oil was booming and life was good for a bunch of small town, America kids.  But, in small town, America there’s not much to do so sometimes you have to get a little bit creative. My grandpa bought me my first car when I was 16.  A Buick Skylark he got from an elderly lady that was in pristine condition and not at all the Chevy Camaro I had asked for.  Later, this spoiled ...

Jen Hatmaker is the Shiz

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“I’ve discovered reduced consumption doesn’t equal reduced community or reduced contentment.  There is something liberating about unplugging the machine to discover the heartbeat of life still thumping.  Maybe we don’t need those wires after all.  Maybe we’re healthier unhooked from the life-support of consumerism than we imagined.  Is there a less traveled path through our me-first culture that is more adventurous and fulfilling than the one so heavily trod? One that sacrifices none of the good parts of the story but inspires us to reimagine the sections that are bleeding us all dry? I think maybe there is.” — Jen Hatmaker I love Jen Hatmaker.  A lot.  She is a pastor’s wife and author who lives in Austin, TX and is the most refreshing, loving, accepting embodiment of Christ I have ever encountered excluding my grandmother and I’m pretty sure they would have been great friends.   My little, almost 10, one is away at his other Mom...

Rue the Day

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I was once in car sales.  For a total of around 6 years of my life, I spent my days doing my best to make a living whilst trying to keep my dignity, integrity, and family in tact.  My days consisted of loathing managers who did their best to turn me into themselves, fighting like hell to get off work at some point before midnight and making friends with people long enough to sell them a car. Unfortunately, I was good at the making friends part and that sucked for a person who tried to be noble every once and awhile.   Want a great deal on a car?  Take me with you.  I know the ins, out, right, left, upside down, and right side ups of every way a car deal works.  There’s no trick a salesperson, sales manager, or finance manager can pull to throw me off cuz I was very good at what I did. Consider it a freebe and my contribution to redeeming some of my dignity and integrity; maybe to regain a little good karma from being too good at selling cars for too lo...

Life is Good

I’ve been told the cow I need to get is a Jersey cow.  They all look alike, they’re mean, and Jen can sneak one in and out and maybe I’ll never know the difference.  That could work, right?  Treehugger 1, Cow slaughterer 1.   I made the mistake of introducing Jen to Lost, the series that ran in the 2000’s about the crazy island where all those peeps from Oceanic Flight 815 (hey I had to look that up) are stranded on the worst nightmare of an island ever for 6 seasons? Yep, that one. The one that defines today’s Netflix binge watching.  We, and I use that term loosely, are watching season 3, episode 16 currently and I am sure this is what much of this Saturday will look like.  Jen on the couch asking me what is going on and me truthfully not remembering. That was almost 10 years ago, seriously?  I can’t remember shit...remember? Haven’t watched or even heard of Lost before?  Proceed with caution and the willingness to give up your life until ...

Temporary Forever Homes...

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This is my cat Baskins.  Baskins turned 16 years old on April 1st.  She is a domestic tabby and a hot mess.  I’ve had her since she was 4 weeks old and yes she’s named Baskins because a Baskins and Robbins commercial was on tv when I decided to keep her and name her.   If you knew or wanted to know one thing about Baskins, and there’s a very slim chance you do because she’s uber anti-social, you’d know she is a complete diva and knows she rules the roost.  I’ve moved this cat 32 times in her 16 years with me and she has stuck with me thru all those moves.  She’s never ran away once, even tho she has her own very special way of being vocal about the moves she likes and dislikes. In 2013, I had moved about 3 times during that summer and Baskins apparently did not like one of the newest moves.  At 1:00am when I had a 6:30am tee time she decided to show me her dislike by crawling over the top of my head and peeing directly on top of it.  We m...

The Animal Whisperer

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I’m covered in two dogs and two cats right now who think I am their world.  Jen calls me the animal whisperer.  Jen’s the wife.  The second lesbian in Two Lesbians and a Cow.  The cow comes later, but yes, one time I went to an animal shelter to help one of my nephews pick out a cat.  There were about 50 cats in this room and I was covered in 12 of them.  I’m a treehugger so animals dig me too.  Nice until you need to go pee and don’t want to disturb them on your lap or...kill a cow. We are trying to start self-sustaining so we bought some chickens and guineas about two or three months ago.  I can’t remember when cuz most of the time I can’t remember shit, but anyway, 3 days ago one of the guineas died.  I blamed my dog Puck cuz he had just killed a chicken when we visited jen’s folks the week before and he is a doxbull which means he’s got some pit in him. Puck had gotten hold of one of the guineas a few days ago so obviously he was th...

Falling in Love with the Enemy

Somewhere along the line I got it all wrong.  I thot that things like fancy cars, 6 digit houses, 6 digit jobs, the latest mall trends and all that was going to be read in my eulogy and attest that I had been successful in life.  Nope. That’s not the way it works.. I never wanted kids.  They were too much responsibility and for sure way too noisy and messy for my ocd self.  Kids were an obstacle to my freedom.  So what joke was the universe playing giving me these two kids. Universe 1, Tonya 0, so poof, at the age of 38 I fall in love with a woman with two kiddos.  Two kiddos by the way who for some reason adore me right from the get go. Now what was up with that?  I was the anti-kid woman.  The fly by the seats of my pants, spontaneous, I do what IIIIII want to do, when I want to do it, woman.  Kids would cost me my freedom.  So wtf were these kids doing liking me.  It was ruining everything. Turns out I’m the cool Mom. ...

Hi, I'm Tonya and I'm a...

Somewhere in my mid 40’s I figured out the sun didn’t revolve around me.  This was after some much needed therapeutizing from my wife and you guessed it, my therapist.  It’s a crazy idea.  I mean who wouldn’t want to believe the sun sets and rises on their ass.  Come on, it’s a beautiful notion, isn’t it?  That everyone is put on this planet for your behalf.  That the lady checking you out at Wal-Mart has it out for you when she won’t reload your Wal-Mart card at the cash register.  A terrible phenomenon that results in being forced to stand in, gasp, a long line at the MoneyCenter which is actually designed for what the sign says.  To be a money center for your Wal-Mart MoneyCard. I’m quite certain, no after checking the facts I am quite positive, that I have ruined many people’s days. The aforementioned Wal-Mart lady, who called her manager when I refused to accept her answer while I was probably thinking that standing in the MoneyCenter li...