What Defines Me...

I got curious about what the definition of slaughter cow might be.  I thought maybe there would be something in the definition that said it was ok to slaughter cows.  So the first definition that came up was about pasture cows and how they’re defined as grazing cows and this and that which didn’t mean shit to me so I kept looking.  Then there it was at the bottom of the google search. The definition of slaughter.  

slaughter

     n  

1    the killing of animals, esp. for food  

2    the savage killing of a person  

3    the indiscriminate or brutal killing of large numbers of people, as in war; massacre  

4    Informal   a resounding defeat  

     vb   tr  

5    to kill (animals), esp. for food  

6    to kill in a brutal manner  

7    to kill indiscriminately or in large numbers  

8    Informal   to defeat resoundingly  

Now see, the first part of the definition is easy right?  The killing of animals, especially for food.  Fair enough, there you have it, cut and dried.  Slaughter is in the dictionary you treehugging fool and it specifically says that’s what it means.  KIll some cows.  Now, if only this English major could stop there and not dissect the rest all would be well.  But, no, they had to include the brutal, savage, and massacre parts as well.  Not a good transition for the treehugger.

So yes, there’s that, but recently, I have been taking a good long look at the meat packaged up in those tidy little styrofoam, cling-wrapped packages when we don’t buy our meat at the butcher shop. Here’s where being a treehugger benefits the cow slaughterer. Now, my slaughter cow has a cause.  Now he doesn’t use styrofoam and plastic wrap I can’t burn in the firepit. Now, he protects the environment.  Yayyyyyyyyy, says the treehugger.  Cow slaughterer, treehugging, protect the environment quasi-hippie, 1.   Grocery store buying, I’m destroying my kids future pseudo Mom, 0.  

A cause.  Do you have any idea what a cause means to a bleeding heart, quasi-hippie???  Oh man, a caaaauuuussseeeeeee!!!

Causes are like plagues. Plagues are defined as a contagious bacterial disease characterized by fever and delirium, typically with the formation of buboes (see bubonic plague) and sometimes infection of the lungs ( pneumonic plague ).: "an outbreak of plague" "they died of the plague".  Ah, says the English major.  Dissect that shit.  

So now I’m infected with the Cow Slaughterer Plague. I am feverous that I am providing a better life for my kiddos and I am delirious with joy that my slaughter cow is helping to save our planet.  It's affecting my lungs cuz here I am telling you about it and it’s a cause, so, of course it’s contagious. Ah, treehugger. Now you’re onto something.