The Animal Whisperer

I’m covered in two dogs and two cats right now who think I am their world.  Jen calls me the animal whisperer.  Jen’s the wife.  The second lesbian in Two Lesbians and a Cow.  The cow comes later, but yes, one time I went to an animal shelter to help one of my nephews pick out a cat.  There were about 50 cats in this room and I was covered in 12 of them.  I’m a treehugger so animals dig me too.  Nice until you need to go pee and don’t want to disturb them on your lap or...kill a cow.

We are trying to start self-sustaining so we bought some chickens and guineas about two or three months ago.  I can’t remember when cuz most of the time I can’t remember shit, but anyway, 3 days ago one of the guineas died.  I blamed my dog Puck cuz he had just killed a chicken when we visited jen’s folks the week before and he is a doxbull which means he’s got some pit in him. Puck had gotten hold of one of the guineas a few days ago so obviously he was the cause.  I had a nice discussion with him telling him how he couldn’t kill other animals and he listened.  



We had gotten some kittens for barn cats around the same time as the chickens and two of them came up missing. My youngest caught Puck carrying the third one, Ashe, a special dude missing one of his paws, outside and mauling him.  We figured he had carried the other two outside and something had gotten them so my 25 lb lap dog Puck, who’s about as ferocious as a lamb, was getting a lot of flack for animal abuse. I think he thinks he is playing with them and doesn’t realize his jaws are built to be a killing machine.  Well, that’s what I tell myself cuz he’s my boy so I believe there’s not a ferocious bone in his body.  Treehugger, remember and yes I talk to my animals because they completely understand me cuz I’m the animal whisperer.

So the next morning after the first guinea died, all four of the others looked like they were on their deathbed and Puck was exonerated, but the guineas were dying and day before yesterday, two more died and this treehugger was having a nervous breakdown. One of my nephews was visiting so he disposed of the two dead guineas for me and I prayed for the universe to look after the two others who looked like they might have a chance.  Jen had googled what might be wrong with them and it’s some big word that starts with a c that I’m too lazy to look up right now, but basically it’s an intestinal parasite that’s eating them from the inside out.  Nice...thus the treehugger breakdown.  Anyway, Jen got them some medicine yesterday and they are still alive this morning so thank you universe.

What does all this have to do with two lesbians and a cow you might ask?  Well, we are self-sustaining right so guess what that means for my meat and potatoes wife who considers vegetables corn and potatoes?  Raising a cow to slaughter.  My treehugger jury is out on the cow slaughtering still but the cow is symbolic for me. It’s how far I am going to go in this circle of life self-sustain journey vs my internal struggle trying to figure out how to kill the cow that I will raise and feed for a year. Yes, I buy meat at the grocery store.  Yes, I am also an ex-vegan who squirms at the thought that I have to look into the eyes of this beautiful cow then watch Jen send him out into the universe again.  So there’s the conflict between the two lesbians and cow, get it?  Jen wants me to name the cow Ribeye if I agree cuz I love ribeyes,  Yes, I’m shaking my head right now.  So again, this is the story of two lesbians and a cow.  Hang tight.  There’s more to come.