Two Lesbians and a Cow

So a pig wanders up in the backyard today.  I thot it was one of the neighbor’s dogs cuz my dogs were going friggin nutso so I look over and it’s a damn pig. I text Jen and tell her I’m gonna try to catch it, she says shoot it.  So in an instant I become a hunter.  I throw all my treehugger caution to the wind, load the 22 and head out to kill this damn pig.  Now before I begin this story, on my shooting skills behalf, the scope hadn’t been zero’d so I’m trying to kill it with a scope I can’t use.  Anyway, out the door I go, weapon in hand, and pig killer on the brain. I walk out the front door and there’s the pig standing about 5 foot from me.  Jen has called me and I am on the phone with her when I tell her I got to go so I can kill this pig.  I lay the phone down and the pig just stares at me whilst I’m trying to imagine roasted pig for dinner.  I aim the 22 right at it, bam, and the pig looks at me like wtf.  The pig moves a few feet...

If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I talk a lot of shit.  I like it cuz it throws people off their game.  Like my buddy who lost 8-5 games shooting pool with me on Sunday.  I talk shit, but I back that shit up too. Believe that shit? I’ve been working on becoming a kinder, gentler Tonya.  The kind who doesn’t get the police called on her at the VA every week.  The kind who doesn’t slow down and block your ass cuz you are up mine on the highway.  The kind who doesn’t ask the fella handing me his church flyer if his church accepts gays only to find out he really just wants to tell me he likes my dreads.   It’s a cunundrum tho. I’m a smart ass and raising an almost 10 year-old who thinks I’m the shiz.  That kid is living proof that nurture over nature is for real.  I keep telling him he is in for a lot of heartache, but he just laffs and thinks it’s cool that he is better at being a smart ass than me. Baseball sta...

So we’ve all got em.  You know, the stories you and your friends sit around laffin your asses off about when you relive the good old days.  Yep those.  Well, I’ve been making a few too many new ones lately.  For instance… I recently won the record for getting the Jeep stuck four times when I was muddin at a jeep party on labor day weekend.  Apparently Annie doesn’t follow directions well and doesn’t learn from her mistakes, but who’s counting.  This damn tree also jumped out in front of me that weekend and took out my right front fender which got me in lots of trouble with the wifey.  So much that I’m getting new metal fenders for the Jeep now.  And you just thought I was a stupid girl. I have a new moonshine story where for some reason I stopped remembering people’s names.  They do say that shit kills brain cells and well, I’m dranking and you shouldn’t judge me anyway cuz I have to drive my razor scooter later, right? And yes, I m...