And I'd Like to Thank the Academy...


As I sit here in my bed with my cat trying to get over a sinus infection, I find myself being very appreciative this morning.  For instance, I am appreciative that Katniss, my older cat, did not claw my skin off when Dawg, the kitten we just got for my youngest, jumped up on the bed at the same time as she was on the bed.  To say Katniss does not care for Dawg (my son named her) is seriously so understated that I wish Katniss could talk so she could let her rage out.  She hates, despises, deplores, and plots the death of Dawg every day.  Of that, I am certain.

If you aren’t one of the folks who’ve been privy to my 6-month probation for assault and battery, well here is the jest of it.  Last April, the day before our cruise for our friend’s wedding renewal, I walked into a tanning establishment here in OKC and punched the manager in the nose.  My reason, she was being mean to the elderly lady in front of me and, gasp, wouldn’t honor my 7-days of spray tanning Groupon.  Yes, that’s the jest and I received 6-months’ probation and a deferred two-year misdemeanor for assault and battery. Something that I can’t get off my record for another year, and oh, there's also the $3500 in court fees and victims’ restitution I got to spend on a landed punch instead of Jeep parts.  To top that off, I couldn’t consume alcohol and was subject to daily random urine tests right as spring and summer were starting.  Perfect.

For a while, I was pissed off at the State of Oklahoma for banning my consumption of alcohol. Alcohol had nothing to do with my crime?  What the hell was I gonna do at parties?  How was I gonna drink at the ballgame? What do you do on the weekend if you don’t consume alcohol?  A lot it turns out. 

So as much as it pains me to say this, thank you State of Oklahoma for finally giving this old dog some consequences for her actions.  Being sober these past few months has taught me a lot.  I found that you don’t need alcohol to have a good time around people who love you for who you are and not the blubbering idiot you turn into when you’re drunk.  I found out that it’s ok to have a good time without a drink in my hand.  That you can cure your social anxieties without overdoing it.

People who are in the know of this act of violence, often ask me if it was worth it.  I usually say no, it wasn’t worth it.  But as I sit here trying to get over this sinus infection so I can go to my probation’s over party with my friends tonite, I kind of think it was in the long run.  To the poor girl I punched, I sincerely hope those medical bills I paid for weren’t because I broke your nose.  I hope you don’t have PTSD now every time a customer gets mad at you.  I’m sorry.  But in the same breath I have to say thank you.  I’ve relied on drinking to calm my social anxieties for years and now I don’t have to.  Yes, I’m gonna go out tonite and drank it up with my friends.  We are gonna party like rock stars and celebrate the end of what was 6-months of inconvenience and punishment for me.  But I’m also gonna know that if one beer is enough, I’m gonna have a great time anyway.  I told you I was appreciative this morning. 

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