And I'd Like to Thank the Academy...
As I sit here in my bed with my cat trying to get over a
sinus infection, I find myself being very appreciative this morning. For instance, I am appreciative that Katniss,
my older cat, did not claw my skin off when Dawg, the kitten we just got for my
youngest, jumped up on the bed at the same time as she was on the bed. To say Katniss does not care for Dawg (my son
named her) is seriously so understated that I wish Katniss could talk so she
could let her rage out. She hates, despises,
deplores, and plots the death of Dawg every day. Of that, I am certain.
If you aren’t one of the folks who’ve been privy to my
6-month probation for assault and battery, well here is the jest of it. Last April, the day before our cruise for our
friend’s wedding renewal, I walked into a tanning establishment here in OKC and
punched the manager in the nose. My
reason, she was being mean to the elderly lady in front of me and, gasp, wouldn’t
honor my 7-days of spray tanning Groupon.
Yes, that’s the jest and I received 6-months’ probation and a deferred two-year
misdemeanor for assault and battery. Something that I can’t get off my record
for another year, and oh, there's also the $3500 in court fees and victims’
restitution I got to spend on a landed punch instead of Jeep parts. To top that off, I couldn’t consume alcohol
and was subject to daily random urine tests right as spring and summer were
starting. Perfect.
For a while, I was pissed off at the State of Oklahoma for
banning my consumption of alcohol. Alcohol had nothing to do with my crime? What the hell was I gonna do at parties? How was I gonna drink at the ballgame? What
do you do on the weekend if you don’t consume alcohol? A lot it turns out.
So as much as it pains me to say this, thank you State of
Oklahoma for finally giving this old dog some consequences for her actions. Being sober these past few months has taught
me a lot. I found that you don’t need
alcohol to have a good time around people who love you for who you are and not
the blubbering idiot you turn into when you’re drunk. I found out that it’s ok to have a good time
without a drink in my hand. That you can
cure your social anxieties without overdoing it.
People who are in the know of this act of violence, often
ask me if it was worth it. I usually say
no, it wasn’t worth it. But as I sit
here trying to get over this sinus infection so I can go to my probation’s over
party with my friends tonite, I kind of think it was in the long run. To the poor girl I punched, I sincerely hope
those medical bills I paid for weren’t because I broke your nose. I hope you don’t have PTSD now every time a
customer gets mad at you. I’m
sorry. But in the same breath I have to
say thank you. I’ve relied on drinking
to calm my social anxieties for years and now I don’t have to. Yes, I’m gonna go out tonite and drank it up with
my friends. We are gonna party like rock
stars and celebrate the end of what was 6-months of inconvenience and punishment for
me. But I’m also gonna know that if one
beer is enough, I’m gonna have a great time anyway. I told you I was appreciative this morning.
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